If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s a racket (that I’m not in charge of ) and most cable companies fall into this category.  A thought you might have: You still have cable?  Yes, I’m not cool enough to give it up, you smug hipster.

I watch A LOT of television and with any sort of mass consumption, it includes a lot of garbage. I love channel surfing and most times it turns into six episodes of “Sex Sent Me to the ER.” OOPS…

The thing with cable is if you have two HD TVs and Internet, you’re screwed. If you try to downgrade your package, you lose the technology fee that’s included in having the larger package and end up only saving three dollars and you have to forgo Destination America and its amazing line up of paranormal shows.  Anyone in their right mind is like, duh, I’ll pay three bucks – BRING ON THE DEMON HUNTING.  Basically it’s all or nothing and you either have basic basic cable or the premium package. There’s no smart/logical option in between – it’s the classic movie theater popcorn upsell.  And the minute your yearlong sign-up promotion is up, your bill is going to skyrocket.  This is when you get on the phone and unleash the mental patient inside of you.

I know you probably don’t want to go Lorne Malvo (See, I watch “good” stuff too) on a customer service rep, but do you want DEMON HUNTING shows or not?  YES.  So just stare at your monthly billing statement, littered with surprise post-promotion charges, and let the rage course through your veins. Then dial and follow these three easy steps:

1. BE COLD, NOT NASTY: Yes, there’s a difference. Personal attacks on the representative who happened to get your call are off limits. However personal attacks on the institution are welcome.  Just keep reminding Gloria it isn’t her fault. The cable company is responsible for the wrathful animal you’ve become. Gloria, you’re just the messenger and therefore can’t be held responsible, so Gloria please transfer me to someone who is responsible, i.e. your supervisor.
2. BE COLD AND SLIGHTLY NASTY (to the Supervisor probably named Paul) Listen that’s why they pay Paul the big bucks. You’re sick of the run around at this point. Level with me, Paul.  Paul, admit you’ve put me in this position. And no Paul, one month free of Starz isn’t going to satiate the beast I’ve become. Because in a month, we’re gonna be right back here doing this same demented dance. You’ve made it so there is no good option for me. What’s a girl to do? Unfortunately Paul I think I’m going to have to cancel my service and sign up with (INSERT COMPETITOR NAME). Paul doesn’t want this.  In fact, Paul is told under no circumstances to allow this, which brings me to…
3. BE WILLING TO WALK AWAY: As every teenage girl’s favorite quote states, “If you love something let it go. If it doesn’t come back, it was never yours.”  You have to whole heartedly be willing to cancel your cable and say this to Paul with conviction. Paul won’t let you go – trust me. Paul’s gonna transfer you to the “last stop number” i.e. Customer Retention and here is where they’re are allowed to do anything to keep you. Once you’ve gotten here, the power is yours. Demand a helicopter and 100,000 in cash. They’re going to at least pretend it’s an option, with a courteous “Let’s see if we can make that work for you.

Once you see how easy it is for them to lower the bill – seriously it’s like ten seconds of loud typing – any guilt about the transaction will dissipate and you can happily go back to watching, “Total Divas.”