It’s 9:30 pm. You’ve watched an episode of Dateline, ate seven chocolate-covered almonds, and contemplated making yourself a cup of tea (but then you remembered you just can’t get into tea). Attempting to escape this sudden depressive lull, you drag yourself to the bathroom to complete your nightly ritual, but your heart isn’t in it. Floss, waterpik, brush, mouthwash, facewash, night cream (s). Rinse repeat, rinse repeat. Is this what it means to be alive? Right about now you could use a little pick me up. Follow these five easy steps and you’ll be happy to be alive in no time!

Step 1: Buy the largest multivitamin available. Make sure they’re not gel caps – the chalkier the better.

Step 2: Every night at 10pm after you’ve completed the rest of your extensive nightly routine, hover over your bathroom sink and attempt to swallow said vitamins.

Step 3: Gag/choke on vitamins and see your entire life flash before your eyes.

Step 4: Finally swallow the vitamins and feel them pinball off the walls of your esophagus as they travel down to your stomach.

Step 4a: For a brief second think, “Are they stuck?”

Step 5: Stay up until 2am riding out the rush of your brush with death.