You always knew the day would come. Years ago you felt the “mature woman” was dormant within you when you walked out of Forever 21 emptyhanded and then unexpectedly purchased a shirt from New York & Co. Now she’s dormant no more! This mature woman has erupted and is ready to take the world by storm one sassy shoulder-slit shirt at a time. How did you get here? Let’s retrace our steps.

STAGE 1: You set foot in a Kohl’s. You can’t resist the call of a 20 percent off email marketing blast. So you go and check it out. After all, it’s a “department store.” You leave with an LC (Lauren Conrad) shirt.

STAGE 2: You purchase a pair of Dr. Scholl’s or Naturalizers. Maybe your arches have fallen, you think you have a bunion, or you have a wedding you don’t want to attend. Either way, comfort is your main priority as you spout lies of justification to your best friend – “You know Scholl’s is really doing a rebrand. Their stuff is actually pretty cute now.” Deny. Deny. Deny.

STAGE 3: You somehow end up possessing a Chico’s blouse. Like waking up from a bender, you have no idea how you attained said blouse. Maybe you went to visit your grandma and she asked you if you wanted it. You thought to yourself… “No way, Grandma! But I’ll try it on because I don’t want to hurt your feelings.” Once on, you think “You know, this isn’t too bad. I can wear this to work.” Cut to the following Thursday evening when you’re out with the girls in your Chico’s blouse. You wear blouses now.

STAGE 4: You go back to Kohl’s. This time you pass out and come to in the Croft & Barrow section wearing sensible slacks and a cardigan. There’s no going back. Now you only deal in KOHL’S CASH.